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I read this in another mom blog today and it gave me some purpose: like I didn’t have enough epiphanies this week! Any way it said:

The preacher started to talk about kids and spirituality and how children seem to be born with an innate ability to see that we are a part of something bigger. They have a sense of wonder about everything.
He told a story of a little girl who kept asking her parents for time alone with her new baby sister. The parents were a little worried about what the private meeting would entail, but they agreed (and kept the door open a bit) to let the sisters have a moment together in the baby’s room. The little girl went up to the crib and moved it a bit to try and wake her baby sister up. When the baby woke up the little girl said, “Can you tell me about God because I am starting to forget.”
The point of all this is that what the minister was saying to us really made sense to me. In order to be happy, connected, productive members of society, it is important to understand that we are a part of something that is bigger than we are as individuals.

J and I aren’t church goers, we have not found a church home that works with us as a family. We aren’t looking as actively as I would like but we are both spiritual people, believe Christ is our Lord and savior, believe we must be better in our faith however – we just don’t know how yet. This just makes me remember to try harder so my little girl doesn’t forget.

The problem with the phone company – out side of the obvious long list of things any one who uses our product will tell you- including me as I worked in the complaint department for three years, until this March. (Whoo hooo! freedom!!!) Anyway , the problem is that it is boring as hell and while hearing all the ways I get cursed out in any given 24 hour period in my old position might have been exciting for you all – it is not the case any more, and I work in the most boring office SBC could have ever pieced together. My job, once I complete the training that is scheduled for SEPTEMBER, will be to fix broken circuits, instead of people. Circuits don’t curse, they don’t yell, they don’t call my mom out of her name. They don’t sling racial epithets like confetti at a new years eve party, they don’t hold me responsible for the bad day they were having before they got to me . They are boring as hell. My office is full of people who don’t appreciate how boring our job truly is. They, while seemingly adults to my untrained eye (as at my last office,it was like being in highschool everyday) they feel stressed at the same situation that brings me joy. I wake easily daily now with none of the stress I used to carry into THE PHONE COMPANY. They complain about…. I don’t really know what they complain about , the just complain and while I think it is a bit amusing – they take their stress very seriously. Have transfers in to go to the place I just left because “nothing could be as bad as we have it here” they say. I wish them well and tell the people I liked to put in their transfers – as slots will become available for them too soon. Why do I tell you this?
Because I read blogs everyday whoms daily grind is amazing. They do remarkable things every day. Doctors, law enforcement, major movie directors -actually his everyday is boring but he warned me before I started reading it, skip him there are many other people with wondrous everydays. People visiting foreign countries with their jobs, adopting children everything! People who see the beauty in things I just see regular. My everyday makes me wonder why I even blog it. I am just a mom, soon to be a wife, a friend, a sister, a niece, a daughter, a cousin, a poet. Maybe as I keep writing I will find the amazement in that. You never will however. Because the phone company sucks for excitement – it is boring as all get out and I just thought you should know.

P.S if you want to help a girl out and you have SBC service use this information to make your orders
1-800-U-ask-SBC apparently they actually work harder to take care of our friends and family and I appreciate that. You may too you but you have to have a user ID when you call. (use mine RJ2545) or contact me via e-mail and I will make sure you get a call back.

People still exsist. WE are still individuals and we are still fun loving wonderfully creative people. don’t beleive me here I have proof! check this out!

Life happens and like…. that… everything you thought you knew about life changes. Your understanding of God is tested, your faith poked in the chest like …and, now what? And now what? What can you do? how do you stand in the space of a man who has just lost the woman he pledged to love and say anything? How do you hold a child who will never feel her mother again?

My uncles wife who was celebrating the birth of their daughter on Friday April 22, died yesterday afternoon, apparently due to complications that went unnoticed by her doctor. She was young, in my age range. She was excited about having her daughter. She just glowed with gladness that her child was coming, the last time I saw her, and that her child was now here I’m sure.

Her family is angry, I understand as much as one can without losing my sister, my cousin, my friend, my husband, my mother. They are angry and are setting up to lash at one another. Their pain needs an outlet and they will lash at the in-laws and vice versa. I am praying for strength and direction to help stop it, to sooth if I can but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know that they will hear that it is not what she would want. They know that, they have to know that already but pain has a way of muting the obvious. Each family is trying to vie for that baby, I know they feel that baby is all that is left of her and that child has her place in each family, but most importantly in her fathers home. I want to tell them to hold on to everything they can of her, every memory, every dream, becasue that child will crave them. I want to tell them to keep her human, tell her daughter everything about her mom. Write down everything before time makes those memories dull and rewrites them. Remember that baby is too small to know why her family is hurting and she needs them to hold together across marriage lines, across bitter histories, she must become the common ground, so I pray that God shapes their hearts once they become open to his love and will

Then I went home last night and held my common ground. I vowed to leave detailed instructions for my family when I die. I will print and bind my blog entries monthly so my daughter can have my thoughts. I’m going to find the letters and jorunals I wrote to her and package them together for her, so they are easy to find if or when the time comes. I went home last night and held my common ground, kissed her, smiled at her happy face and put her to bed, I lit our candle and incense and loved her the way I do every night. I kissed my fiancee, told him I loved him. I thanked my granny for staying with the baby so we didn’t have to take her into that. I called my mom and sister, called my aunt, called my father. We made plans to see Jerry’s dad this weekend. We promised we would spend more time trying to see our family. We became the people we should be everyday but are too busy to find the time to be.