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It all falls down..

I decided today that I am tired of drowning. Tired of feeling like I have no choice in the direction that I am moving, that my failure is required. That I have to prove that the glass is half full, that I have to have all the answers before I can step out on faith. That I have to have all the answers to all the questions. That I have to carry it all, because the truth is I don’t.

It has been mentioned that I am a woman of faith, or at the very least I try to be and want to be. I have decided that I simply cannot, and God can. I hope that was His intention. Cause that’s where I am, right now.
I am going to do what I can, be what I am, and remember who I am. And if God could just you know handle a few things for me… get the extra people out of my house, teach me how to be a better wife, hand over my fear, then we will have a good day. As it stands I am blessed. And everything that is given to me is appreciated.

Work is work. It’s a little dry, I am not being productive. I need to work on that. But I got the weekend to get it all together. I’m off tomorrow so I’m gonna spend the day with my kid, maybe work on getting my herb garden started. We are gonna try to have a good Friday trip somewhere, the original plan was Grants Farm. We’ll see if we make it there, or perhaps the City museum.

Wanna go? Email me…

Albert Pujols
Originally uploaded by frnch.

I just thought this could make somebody’s day. His thighs are a bit small since his injury but hey….

God determines who walks into your life….it’s up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay,and who you refuse to let go.”- Anonymous

This is a very note worthy quote for me. I saw it on a friends blog today. And it has made me reflect on my situation. My life is about to enter into its next faze. My tennant to whom we have been less than stellar landlords has purchased a house. Which means all those decisions about whether to rennovate or rent, are now coming to a head. And I now don’t have the spare energy to waste on people whom I need to allow to walk away.  The situation has eaten at me more than I can verbalise, so I have come to the conclusion that if there is to be any hope at all of retaining any idea of a friendship, It is time for some space.  
I have got whole real life things, my life things I have got to deal with, and further stressing over a friendship that missed its mark, I can’t justify that now. I don’t think I am going to post anymore on the subject until I talk to Spoken, I know she can’t read this at work due to her company firewall, but you never know. And that would suck cause I really need to sit down with her and expain exactly how I feel, and why this is such a major violation to me.  

Part of my problem is that I hold people to high standards. Which is a different subject isn’t it?

But I can’t help it. I want people to hold me to high standards. I want to surround myself with people who make me work harder to be better. A better writer, a better chef, a better mom, a better human, a better wife, sister, friend, neice, granddaghter, daughter, artist. . I want to be better. And some of  the people in my world  live – not digital, you guys totally rock – right now aren’t exactly helping me be better.  Its why I stopped hanging out in the poetry scene here in St.Louis.

That sucks.  

Totally besides that point Taylor Mali got married, and as he is one whom I most respect my congratulations are here for him.  

Also my most sincerest thanks to Sarah, and Jaelithe. They are two wonderful great people, and I am so greatful to know you both.

If I don’t post it enough, Jerry, I love you. You make me see the best and worst parts of me and help me change or make the best of them, and love me though it. You are God’s best and most fruitful blessing in my life. I am so grateful, eternally happy that we found each other and have celebrated our one year anniversary. I am looking forward to millions more.

Previous thing not mentioned – Sunday was our anniversary and we went to eat at a great little tapas restraunt in St.Louis called MiraSol. It was wonderful to sit with my husband and enjoy each others company as a man and woman. Funny how having a kid and turning your house in to a youth hostel will make you forget that you and your spouse did have a whole life, before you were the worlds rock of Gibralter. You were cool, and did cool stuff, and went to cool places. Its nice to know you are still a little cool benieth all the toddler stuff.

Still cool indeed, I love you baby.

Okay. Friday. Was. A. Bad. BAD. Day. Apparently Cammy’s upset stomach was a little more than an upset stomach last week, Jerry’s too mind you. Those two don’t really give you a good gauge on my tummy hurts. Apparently they have been passing around the stomach flu like business cards and it hit me on Thursday night, and all day Friday. The weekend of my wedding anniversary. Seriously. So I was regurgitating all of all day Friday. Left work after forty five minutes of being face planted in our disgusting bathrooms. I decided that I would simply have to take the attendance hit for this one. And my loving wonder husband came like a knight on shining champagne colored Trailblazer to swoop me home. Then my weekend takes a turn for the pretty bad.
Remember all that stuff I told you guys about how I was all for helping the people in my house and doing what ever I could etc, and I couldn’t think of the situation that would test my friendship?
Remember that?
Well. I found it. Lets talk hypotheticals shall we?
You got a friend who you let stay with you cause you were really, really concerned about her health, she needed surgery. You were like you have to have the surgery and the ONLY way you could talk her into having the surgery was to be like I’ll let you recoup on my futon until you get better. Your doctor tells her, six weeks, then she can go back to work. She plans on making enough money to pay her deposit on her apartment, and a down payment on her car and move on once she has gotten cleared to go back to work. She helps with the groceries during the six week stretch that she’s out, she worked hella overtime before the surgery you assume shes got a plan, you don’t ask what the plan is. She is a grown ass woman she ought to have a plan. You two talked at length over the last six months about resolving certain issues that would be a hindrance if not resolved, you simply assume she resolved them. So shes been cleared around week four to move around and go out and about, so you start helping her get the car hunt going. You are making the calls, and you find out that those things that you thought she fixed that she said she fixed, she simply didn’t.
No problem at least not your problem, she simply will have to spend more on interest etc than she originally thought. But with those issues the money she saved for her down isn’t enough. People are still working but now she starts work on Monday and doesn’t have a car.

This was never part of the plan.

But you are friends so you get your husband to take turns – mostly his turn – to go pick her up a good thirty to forty five minute drive daily at eleven o’clock at night. You drop her off in the morning on your way – Still out of the way mind you – where ever she so decides she wants to go. You gas expenses double. You are putting TWICE the miles on your car than you expect. Your husband is always tired, yet the gentlemen and won’t let you go unless he is unbearably tired. He doesn’t walk the dog in the morning, cause he’s too tired. He can’t relax cause he knows he’s gotta get up and go. Then she volunteers for this movie project. Which is cool, but you warn her – she can’t afford to financially contribute, she says I know, I won’t. You leave it at that. She’s still working you are still driving her, but you have to call her everyday and tell her to call people, she doesn’t seem to be moving on her own. That is annoying. Close to four weeks has gone by.
This took me until this morning to be able to talk about this with out getting really, really heated. So, somebody finally finds this girl a car. So she calls me to tell me she’s short on the money she needs to put down on the car. The guy is asking for a grand down.
Q. how could you be short when before you started back to work at the end of May you had $700, and you’ve been working for damn close to a month, been paid at least twice and possibly due again this week. And you’ve been working overtime at every given opportunity.
A. Well, she tells you. Some people needed some help.

Excuse me? Some people needed some help? From you, the homeless person with out a car? You don’t have any more money than you did when you started cause some “people needed some help?”

Tell me how you would respond?

I swear it took all of my self control not to put her out right then. My house is flipped over backwards, but somebody needed more help than you need to get your shit together. My husband is tired, our relationship is not regular. But you get to decide we can take more? I really need you to be able to go live with those people who needed your help so bad. You can’t get a ride, nobody else is helping you but you gotta help everybody who asks you? I need some of those people who needed your help you pick you up from work. If she had been really thinking about being my friend she would have been trying to get up and on her feet. I am not willing to help everyone she deems worthy. Remember that movie project she said she knew she couldn’t afford to help with , apparently she forgot before she hung up, or just flat lied to my face, cause she and i quote,”spent more than she was supposed to on that..” more than you were supposed to? you wen’t suuposed to spend anything on that until you didn’t live with me. Grandmother needs help, go back to vegas and live with her and help her for real. Cause this is not what I signed up for. I have my hands full helping her, so for her to decided that I can continue to help her for longer than absolutely necessary really, really gets my goat.
I feel used and taken advantage of. As if I was simply convenient, the next logical step on who she could get the most out of. And like everything she said to me really meant shit. Now the time frame has shrunken, I am no longer willing to put my husband or family in any state of discomfort to accommodate you. I will keep my word but now, I need you to get an apartment yesterday. She is so far down my shit list she’s probably decomposing by now.
And I don’t know why I’m surprised. It happens every time. Last time it was the rental car thing, 2300.00. Every time I call someone a friend, they push and push and push until I break.

I must have sucker stamped on my forehead.

Moving back to the actual weekend,
Cammy’s birthday went well, spent too much on food, but that was it, made a few adjustments to compensate (sorry balloons- you gotta go) and we got through it okay. She got a few things I really wanted her to have, and we are gonna go get the rest. Ever notice how you could have not had the party and just bought the things you wanted you kid to have and come out just the same? Next year.
Tito, my dear wonderful friends, came by I was soo excited that they were there, then the left all early LOSERS!!!!!! I thought we were gonna have a drink and hang out, then – no, they were like no dice, and we can’t hang with you till like two weeks from next wed, cause we got cooler more fun people coming to hang with us. Okay that’s not what they said. But in stubborn I miss my friends translation that’s exactly how it came out! But I miss them and I never see them anymore. So I’ll say it again cause its my blog LOSER Tito!!! LOSER Tito!! I call them Tito like it’s a 70’s R&B band, like I expect them to be seen in Gold polyester suits with butterfly collars and platforms. That would be totally cool though.
Fathers day for Jerry was less than stellar. He was in a funk, and I know why- there was simply nothing I could do about it. Nothing worse than feeling powerless to help the people you love. I mentioned his grill right? I’m excited about what he’s gonna do with that thing…

Miles and miles of miles.
My car – which I bought in March with 52xxx miles now had roughly 62xxx miles on it, we clearly need a second car, and Spoken has got to get into her own car, like yesterday, we put an extra sixty mile a day on the car picking her up and taking her to work. That’s like A LOT. Like three hundred EXTRA miles a week, that’s over a tank of gas a week at three dollars a gallon, that’s just too much. I’m going to run into the same issues we had with the old car, it was a 2002 and we traded it in with 98,000 miles on it. And while driving Spoken is an issue, its not our only car centered issue, we are seriously talking every other day about needing a second car. We do, but its like number twelve on a list of 87 things we need to take care of. So we’ll see how that goes. But honestly with the money we would save on gas we could honestly get a car and insurance and minimize our monthly cost increase to like under two hundred bucks a month. Our commute is a bytch and it would be nice to be able to do something’s with out having to wait and see if the hubby is doing something, or having to pick him up or he pick me up. If my life wasn’t so good, I’d be really ticked about this whole car thing.

Progress.. is progress, even if its on thin ice..
My friend J, who I haven’t mentioned a lot lately, is treading thin – albeit dangerous ice in his life, and I am seriously concerned. He moved out from his girlfriends house, (yeah!!!) to move back in with his ex (booooo!!), he is a recovering alcoholic who has had a relapse recently and while trying to come out of that has taken to gambling at the local casino. He told me years ago there were reasons why he didn’t go gamble, apparently he has forgotten them, cause he’s been going, and while he’s not losing a lot of money right now, I know its just one turn card, or one fourth street (poker terms people) before he’s calling me saying how he lost his whole paycheck. Its happened before. And of all the people having issues in my life right now I am most worried about him.
My brother and his boyfriend have gotten a apartment, so they will be off my couch like SOON. They are doing stooped stuff already, and my biggest fear is they will be back in three months. They still don’t have a car, but my brothers job is close enough that I don’t have to worry about that with him, and his boyfriend is not my concern as far as car needs are concerned.  So if I could get him to minimize the drama he could be off in the right direction.  Now Spoken hasn’t made any concrete strides to get her car situation resolved, or the apartment situation resolved. She refuses to do a few things I think will make it easier to get a car.

1. she refuses to get a Missouri drivers license. Why is this an issue? Well she is holding on to this whole “I’m from Vegas,” thing when really she’s not. You were born here and have been back here countless times since moving to Vegas as a preteen, no you lived in Vegas for a while but you are from Missouri, get over it. And not having a Missouri license makes loan people nervous. They don’t believe you will be here. And I can understand that. So if you really want a car – what do you do? Exactly.  Her reasoning? “I just like having a Vegas license.” Oookaaaay.  
2. Wake up. Spoken lives like a vampire. Up all night and sleeps all day, however banks don’t. So when I call her at noon (which is a pet peeve on mine – but that’s another post) and she’s like made no calls, done nothing, she was sleep on her desk at work. I want to reach through the phone and strangle her. I want her to be calling and making moves when these businesses open until you start at your gig. But she’s a night owl, Never sleeps at night so its hard to stay up during the day, I know that. I understand even, but its not helping get her into her own space, and rocking her own ride.  

I just got a call from my brother saying the apartment fell through. That is so not what I wanted for my anniversary.  If they don’t just go find a little studio I’m gonna kill them. But not in the house, casue I don’t wanna have to clean it up.
The funny thing about all of this is that I’m not upset, I’m not worried about Spoken and I not being friends when this ‘living together’ section of our friendship is over. She really is one of my best friends, and despite being annoyingly accommodating, and being able to put up with me and not running off, I love her. She could quit with the reading of the mind thing. Or at least saying it out loud that she did it. Maybe not. Anywho, Shes my friend and that’s that. J, the friend not the husband, I have to literally just walk away, because I am truly afraid for him. I can’t stop him from making these mistakes I just don’t think I can handle walking with him while he does it.  My brother is my brother and what else can I say about his situation. He’ll get it together cause he doesn’t want to be a burden.  But an extra three grown ups for two months and almost one respectively – gets heavy. I just have to worry about my situation a bit more forwardly. Jerry and I are both a bit more testy lately. Our finances are stretched to the limit, cause extra gas and food and etc is extra gas, food and etc. but most of all I just want my regular life back. My coworker Kelley says this was my life before they moved in – helping every body. I say I don’t mind helping everybody but I need a break. And as nice as getting away sounds, I really just want to stay home.
But all of this reminds me how blessed I really am. I have very little room to complain. God is awesome, and my life is awesome, only thing that could make it better is expanding our family – later -  and possibly winning the powerball lottery. Both would be nice.