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In honor of French Toast girl…
Check her out at http://www.frenchtoastgirl.com/weblog/blogger.shtml
she totally rocks for this one right here.
Lately it has been easy.
Poems have come, often too many words for my actual poem. They end up statements and not nearly the lyrical moments I want them to be. I have always loved poetry. But much to my dismay, extreme emotion has been necessary for me to produce what I consider good poetry. Either I loved so hard, or have fallen so far. My actions, never really dramatic, could never keep up with the emotions I worked to keep in check.
But this really has very little to do with my opening line.
I’m feeling a bit sporadic so please bear with me, there is a point to this.
Last night when I got home from work, Camster was sleepin, and I thought I’d grab a nap with her, I don’t even remember much about what happened between getting off work, taking my brother some sushi (I’ll post on that later) and forgetting to ask my mom if she – or rather what rolls she wanted from the sushi place, and getting home, chit chatting with my grandmother and laying down to rest.
My husband at some point, broke through to the next level, and fixed the sink. I remember him trying to tell me the details, but I wasn’t really conscious. I remember him saying he was leaving then not, I know I took phone calls but I don’t remember who I talked to except for Jerry’s cousin, who gave me the great news about ‘So You Think You Can Dance’. He left me to go to home depot, and Cammy being the blessing she is – was very gentle with me in my “please just don’t destroy the house” state.
Then I woke up, spent some awake time with my girl, actually watched my tivo’d reality TV fix and see what happened after she told me my good news. Put Cam to bed, read ‘Metro Cat’ and played with more little people. Made a mental note to pick up some additional toys for her. Then I spent the most important time I spent all day.
I told my husband the truth, that I was proud of his success with the kitchen sink. Then I rubbed his foot, and gave him a back rub, a back scratch then scratched his head until he fell asleep sprawled across our bed. Then I fell asleep with my legs across his back, crossing the t for the night.
Some days I worry that I am not passionate enough. That our every day is too mundane to keep him waking up next to me for the next fifty or so years. I worry that I miss the mark in loving them both. That I will make bad decisions for us as a family. That we will not survive. That she will hate her mom, and want to be the exact opposite of who I am. That he will wake up and say what am I doing here? That when she needs I will not be the person she comes to.
And then I remember. I remember how he smiles at me and reaches for me in his sleep. How she calls for me and touches my face when we say bedtime prayers. How happy she is when I come home, and how sad she is when I leave and she cannot come. How we write e-mails and call all day even though we drive to and from work together and live on top of each other in our, less than large apartment. I remember that we already did the really hard part, he already chose me and I him. We know already, we just gotta make today everything we can.
And that is what has been easy.
My love for them is always at that extreme level, but when you live with it everyday, sometimes you forget. Forget that you would die for them, forget that his touch does spark everything. Forget that his good morning kiss makes your whole day better. Forget that its always the little things that keep memories from fading. Forget the poems you scribble and do not finish, the scrap pages you start but don’t get to complete, and remember they belong to you, and you belong to them.
I can feel the question watching me
Pressing in our silence
Weighing on his brow
Caressing through his fingertips
I believe the answer hugs our legs
Has his eyes
Lies across the hall
And I am trying not to wake her in my answering
I want our roles expressed
Strength pressed
Into softness
Rough hands expand across belly
Teeth nip hips turn friction to jelly
slick thick
Wrists gripped
Syrup mixed
Every kiss
A letter I use to write my response
So let me make it longer
Use more syllables
Let me paraphrase, and say it again
Firmly into your hips
Speak it into the back of your knee caps
Draw maps from thighs to back
So my hands know where to roam
Tongue pressed into your chest
Until my words fall from your lips
In tongues and simple and tribal
As these acts
Chants repeated in our heart beat
Well after death separates us
And then you will never doubt my answer
Yes, I love you
And this is exactly where I want to be
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q:Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?A: Are you crazy? HELLO. Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had aboutfood and diets.
And remember:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO, What a Ride”
This is my favorite popsicle dance picture mentioned in the post below, Shre really is just too much for me. Last night she watched Narnia with us, I have never seen her so into a story, she was sooo excited when the giant Lion came on the screen, and she was so hurt when they tied him up I hadn’t seen it before right then so I didn’t know it was coming, (i fogort about the Christ parallells) So we went ahead and fast forward the scene, I’ll just bet she had a great dream about walking with the big “lion king” when she went to sleep.
This blog is supposed to as much about my joy of motherhood as it is about me as a woman, and a daughter and a wife ect. And I’ve spent a lot of time whining about things I really have no cause to whine about. Honestly, I am too, too blessed. My husband and I have more going for us than many young people our age, God continues to take care of us and shows me so many way all the things that I have to be greatful for.
So I would like to start this post with a subtitle
My Favorite Cammy moment:
Cammy in all her language development is learning tons and tons of words. I hinder that development daily, I’m sure my mother will have comment to post on my ability to destroy my child with a single plastic pacifier. (I’ll have to update you all on the Binky Wars on a later date, I’m trying to be in a good mood here) but she has moments of pure toddler comic genius, alas one day a few weeks ago she was looking for some candy and we told her simply, it was too early for candy, she would have to wait until after lunch. We were greeted with a hearty, “Aww MANN!!!!” before she turn and walked pouting to pick a DVD for viewing. She scrunches up her forehead and kicks that bottom lip out and lets that bad boy rip when ever she doesn’t get her way, and its is totally HIL-arious. Do you know how hard it is not to crack up laughing while you are trying to be stern with a two year old cute enough to actually be on TV?
I’m also really, really fond of Cammy’s happy dance. We purchased her a actual Bomb Pop! from the Bomb Pop! man. Who knew you actually write Bomb Pop! with the exclamation point and every thing. The things you figure out while sitting in front of your powerless house reading what ever you got, including the popsicle wrapper. Any who. Here I was thinking that the Bomb Pops! you actually buy in the store are a fair assessment of the popsicles you will get from you neighbor hood rainbow colored van, and I was of the mind set that barring our placement in the sixth level of hell I wouldn’t be buying a over priced puny Bomb Pop! for my kid. My child hood memories are filled with popsicles as long as my head and left my entire fore arm drenched in flavored syrup cause you can NEVER eat a Bomb Pop! fast enough to not drip especially if you don’t use the wrapper. But as any local will tell you – St. Louis in the summer with out A/C is the sixth level of hell and on Saturday Jerry and I spent the afternoon trying to get out house together with out power and with all of our Bomp Pop! stash melted during our four days of powerlessness, that puny popsicle looked mighty good to me. So I upped the $1.25 per, lamenting like all parents do – when I was your age a popsicle was a quarter… but was pleasantly surprised when he reached in his cooler to hand me these GIANT popsicles. It was easily as long as my forearm and Cammy couldn’t even hold the thing by its stick and eat it – it was too long for her arms, which lead to her pretty white dress, turning all manner of tie dye looking redness (and why is it no matter how many colors a popsicle has the juice is always all red when it gets on you?) but none of this could dull her happiness. Yes it was past nap time, yes she had been tortured with TWO hours of hair braiding (pictures coming), yes Nemo was dead as there was no DVD player we colud use to pacify her with and she was not buying the whole TV is broken thing, but being barefoot in the summer sun with a popsicle was just what my baby girl needed, she danced up and down the street with me shaking her little groove thang and singing a little ditty she came up with dripping popsicle juice everywhere.
Gotta love the summer.
Want to read something just as sweet as humanly possible? Check out Jerry’s blog and his sisters response. She is really just a kick butt big sister. And maybe she gets him after all, or gets him enough for the amount of contact they’ve had in the last five years. I tend to forget, I think that they aren’t right under each other, she being across the country. Maybe they just need each other to get things together. I personally am glad they are aligning themselves to fight this fight. Jerry is the best wing man on the planet. he’s wonderful at implementing the plan - you just gotta tell him what the plan is. She can make things go, give him the plan - that’s what big sisters do. and I am glad, so very glad things are happening. At this point movement of any kind is good. Keep it movin!
Speaking of moving. God moved a lot of stuff last night in St. Louis, we have had the largest power loss due to storm in thirty years last night. Our power is out. And probably will be out for a little while. Big beautiful lightening streaked across the sky, and trees missed my uninsured house by about three yards. THANK YOU GOD for answering prayers. I hear you people – why is my house uninsured, I’ll explain later, that is another post. Rain came seemingly out of nowhere and pounded the greater St. Louis area – the roof of several buildings including the airport was lifted and moved several yards, in the case of the airport it made it all the way to the highway and blocked lanes. I hope your family is safe, mine is.
This is my favorite pciture from our peach picking trip, Cammy and Moe had a ball, and so did Jerry and I. We can’t count peaches per lbs so we ended up buying thirty pounds of peaches, can anybody say peach cobbler? Really come on over, ther ewill be PLEANTY.
other notible images
This weekend was – lets say different. Jerry’s Sister made the trip from NYC to St. Louis by car, that over heated most of the way here. So we spent most of the morning Saturday worried about whether or not the car would actually make it to St. Louis. I won baseball tickets and they missed the game - the drive from NYC is normally 15 hours or so, it took them twenty four. But we sat in the HOT ARSED new stadium and I got to take a few good shots of Albert Pujols batting. We missed the India Arie Concert. I was bummed about that but what can you do, I didn’t want to leave the kid with the passed out daddy, he never would have woken up if she had awakened first.
His sister finally got to his moms house on Saturday night, and we went over to see her, his mom and his nephew, and his sisters, ex but not really friend Keith. We tried to head to the concert but that didn’t happen, so we took the nephew to give the sister time with their mom.
Funny, she really is a lot like me, his sister, and then at the same time, not so much. I can tell she is fiercely loyal. She didn’t exactly know what to think about Jerry and their moms relationship, and she thinks she “knows” but she doesn’t really. How can anyone know something, they don’t know or understand? She thinks she understands Jerry’s dad, and she doesn’t at all, or Jerry for that matter. She has a good heart though, and she’s like me in that once she decides a course of action is to be taken she’s all over it. I admire that. She is awesome though and I am truly glad I finally met somebody in his family who actually comes off as someone he is related to not just someone he is related to, did that make sense?
Jerry can be very hard on himself, and in a lot of ways when it comes to these relationships he has had to face this weekend, I think he’s still has a very confused little boy trying to understand things that have nothing to do with him, yet effect everything about who he is, and the wonderful man he has become is trying to find his footing. He wants to be everything everybody wants from him, and I just want him to be happy with the choices he makes everyday, because he should be. He’s an honorable man. I stand beside him gladly and walk with him because I know he chooses the right thing for our family and always will.
We did get to spend a lot of time with Jerry’s nephew, it was different to hear somebody call me Aunt Raquita. He’s a terrific sweet kid, so totally unlike Jerry. Total opposite. He’s very quiet and reserved. Very observant and smart, just not very vocal. Quite happy to play psp or xbox 360 until his fingers cramp. Great with Cammy. They had a ball playing together. We are gonna do everything we can to get him back to visit for a week in the summer – hopefully coordinate the visit with my other nephew who is supposed to be coming from the same region around the same time. Which would give us a built in playmate and vice versa. My sister called to give me some young boy tips, like feed him even if he says he’s not hungry, and lo and behold the boy ate – at least a good portion of his breakfast. She’s gonna be my source for boy parenting, fo’sho. We took him to Dave and Busters on Monday before they left, which was fun. We had lunch and he’s the ticket type of kid, you know win the tickets buy a prize. And I never would have pegged him for that type. Apparently he’s very competitive. He told me he wanted to try this claw prize thingy with all manner of fake “bling” in it cause –“I really need to get some bling Auntie.” He said that with totally seriousness, I told him we may be able to look into some minor bling for Christmas. Cammy was totally into all the riding video games, although ChuckECheese maybe more her speed, she was still delighted by all the lights and stuff. She likes to win the tickets too. We did the peach picking thing and he got to piggy back on Jerry and Cammy really go into the hwole spirit of the event.
The whole point in their visit was this birthday dinner for Jerry’s eighty year old grandmother Tootie which was Sunday night, we forgot the camera, so we missed the opportunity to get pictures of people we may very well never see again, although we did get telephone numbers to a lot of great people, and I am rally looking forward to building some of those relationships up. His family is totally wonderful, and I loved all of the characters. They made my family look like they weren’t quite as rare in their wonder as I may have previously thought. They have genuinely good, good people. And BEAUTIFUL children, I see why Cammy is so cute.
All in all it was a hard day and night, and its taken me this long to get around to blogging about it. You don’t even want to know what happened with my Tuesday, lets just say I hate the insurance industry.
An Actual 1955 Good Housekeeping article.
just go ahead click it to make it bigger and readable and change all the hims to Oprah and we’ll see the ONLY WAY this is gonna be true up in here… Cause Oprah - she can have what ever she wants.
