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1. Don’t worry, your dad didn’t know what he was doing, either.

2. No, no–not that Spock!

3. Second thought, maybe you should worry.

4. Never tell anybody that you and your wife are “trying.” We really don’t need the visual, that’s why.

5. Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.

6. Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.

7. Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity. For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride. Then, a referee. And finally, a bank.

8. If you want to subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local anesthetic, since many pediatricians don’t bother to use one. The anesthetic is for the kid.

9. Baby gas is lessened with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake. Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out, not pursed, helps.

10. There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething. Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by kindergarten.

11. Diaper-rash remedy: Expose baby’s hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak baby’s bottom in tepid water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. Or Lotrimin. Rediaper.

12. You know how they say you’ll get used to diapers? You won’t. Unless you wear them a lot.

13. Forcing children to use toilets will make them dislike toilets. Children begin using toilets when they tire of that not-so-fresh feeling. Of course, this is long, way long, after you tire of it.