the reason I never tell co-worker i am a poet
Cause if some mess like this went down – I would be ever so hot. I’ve met this poet on a few occasions and he really is a really good guy. And poems while usually based on some form of personal experience – nobody really belives that he put a customer on hold to have this conversation – do we?
love ya Big Poppa E
i was a bit lazy for a while and JUST NOW pulled like 1100 picutes from my digital cameras. And now I see all these great pcitures I need to scrap book and so many thing I meant to blog about but didn’t cause i as alwyas gonna put the picture on line then blog it.
Oh well.
This is Cammy and my mom decorating chrstmas cookies while dad games out in the back ground.
My biggest fear in parenting is raising a clone.
I am pretty confident about my ability to care for a rasie a kid, and now possibly – god willing – children.
This is the kind of post that lines get erased four or five times. Nothing comes out right. Bear with me people.
I, like most women I know, have some self esteem issues. I look back on my life and see all the wasted opportunities, all the missed chances, missteps, flat out failures. I have been known to second and third guess myself, and even when under the gun and making the decision that has to be made, I wonder if that decision was the right one many times in reflection. I am not afraid to take the buzzer shot, but I question the form of the shot whether I sank it or not. does that make sense?
I say all of this because I watch my kid grow up and I see alot of me in her. This weekend when she really got into the kitchen with me and really wanted to flex her little culinary muscles. I was very proud. 
She held her first baby last week and she was so excited and ready to care and that is when the fear struck me. How, pray tell could I make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes I made. How can I make sure shes not like me?
Oh I hear all the insta-responses, everytime I broach this subject with someone I hear all the right things. “Oh she could do so much worse than be like you!” and “Raquita there is nothing wrong with being a nurturer!”
I am aware of this. And i am a – with out sounding too conceited – a pretty darned nifty person. But when I look back on my life I see the glaring missteps as well the things that went pretty good. i know I am a good person but I know I didn’t maximize my potential. So I want to know how I maximize hers. I used to think that this is every parents goal. to give their kid the best opportunity to do their best, but as I watch people parent and see the kids they are raising – it becomes clear that really isn’t the case. I realise that sounds conceited. and its fair to say that i am a tad be cocky. Btu its also obvious. People have said to me “some parents are more concerned with putting food on the table.” That “they would love to be more active parents but their reality simply doesn’t allow it.” and i just think that is bullsh*t.
my mom and i have a solid relationship. Its battered and beat up but it is a big arsed boulder solid. And i remember once when I was really young between eight and ten, she told me once I don’t remember what I said to receive this retort but she said something to the effect of, ” i didn’t live my life for you to chose like i did but for you to choose better.” And she and my father gave us every opportunity to choose better. They gave us every opportunity to grow and see things people we were realted to and kids we went to school with had no idea what the hell we were talking about. I wonder how many times she heard, “you took them kids to do what?!?” Cause I hear it all the time. And every time I do it tells me i am moving in the right direction. so while a clone isn’t the goal – scraping the old Raquita software and coming up with a Cammy version might not be so bad as long as I give her great upgrades.
This weekend we spent doing fun stuff in the kitchen – Cammy cooked these mini cupcakes all by her self. She mixed all the ingredients all by her self, and iced them – with a little help but did the sprinkes all by her self. She’s very proud of her self and I am very proud of her too!
Well.
this is a long post. be prepared.
it has been a long week and a few days. Last we spoke I mentioned that I caught a version of strep so haneous….
dude it was pretty haneous.
it kept me home from work tuesday through thursday, and I am one of those people who beleives that sicks days are not for being sick. So I had to be pretty out of it to actually use a sick day for being sick.
