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the reason I never tell co-worker i am a poet
Cause if some mess like this went down - I would be ever so hot. I’ve met this poet on a few occasions and he really is a really good guy. And poems while usually based on some form of personal experience - nobody really belives that he put a customer on hold to have this conversation - do we?
love ya Big Poppa E
i was a bit lazy for a while and JUST NOW pulled like 1100 picutes from my digital cameras. And now I see all these great pcitures I need to scrap book and so many thing I meant to blog about but didn’t cause i as alwyas gonna put the picture on line then blog it.
Oh well.
This is Cammy and my mom decorating chrstmas cookies while dad games out in the back ground.
My biggest fear in parenting is raising a clone.
I am pretty confident about my ability to care for a rasie a kid, and now possibly - god willing - children.
This is the kind of post that lines get erased four or five times. Nothing comes out right. Bear with me people.
I, like most women I know, have some self esteem issues. I look back on my life and see all the wasted opportunities, all the missed chances, missteps, flat out failures. I have been known to second and third guess myself, and even when under the gun and making the decision that has to be made, I wonder if that decision was the right one many times in reflection. I am not afraid to take the buzzer shot, but I question the form of the shot whether I sank it or not. does that make sense?
I say all of this because I watch my kid grow up and I see alot of me in her. This weekend when she really got into the kitchen with me and really wanted to flex her little culinary muscles. I was very proud. 
She held her first baby last week and she was so excited and ready to care and that is when the fear struck me. How, pray tell could I make sure she doesn’t make the same mistakes I made. How can I make sure shes not like me?
Oh I hear all the insta-responses, everytime I broach this subject with someone I hear all the right things. “Oh she could do so much worse than be like you!” and “Raquita there is nothing wrong with being a nurturer!”
I am aware of this. And i am a - with out sounding too conceited - a pretty darned nifty person. But when I look back on my life I see the glaring missteps as well the things that went pretty good. i know I am a good person but I know I didn’t maximize my potential. So I want to know how I maximize hers. I used to think that this is every parents goal. to give their kid the best opportunity to do their best, but as I watch people parent and see the kids they are raising - it becomes clear that really isn’t the case. I realise that sounds conceited. and its fair to say that i am a tad be cocky. Btu its also obvious. People have said to me “some parents are more concerned with putting food on the table.” That “they would love to be more active parents but their reality simply doesn’t allow it.” and i just think that is bullsh*t.
my mom and i have a solid relationship. Its battered and beat up but it is a big arsed boulder solid. And i remember once when I was really young between eight and ten, she told me once I don’t remember what I said to receive this retort but she said something to the effect of, ” i didn’t live my life for you to chose like i did but for you to choose better.” And she and my father gave us every opportunity to choose better. They gave us every opportunity to grow and see things people we were realted to and kids we went to school with had no idea what the hell we were talking about. I wonder how many times she heard, “you took them kids to do what?!?” Cause I hear it all the time. And every time I do it tells me i am moving in the right direction. so while a clone isn’t the goal - scraping the old Raquita software and coming up with a Cammy version might not be so bad as long as I give her great upgrades.
This weekend we spent doing fun stuff in the kitchen - Cammy cooked these mini cupcakes all by her self. She mixed all the ingredients all by her self, and iced them - with a little help but did the sprinkes all by her self. She’s very proud of her self and I am very proud of her too!
Well.
this is a long post. be prepared.
it has been a long week and a few days. Last we spoke I mentioned that I caught a version of strep so haneous….
dude it was pretty haneous.
it kept me home from work tuesday through thursday, and I am one of those people who beleives that sicks days are not for being sick. So I had to be pretty out of it to actually use a sick day for being sick.
This is the whole reason i love the internet.
You’ve Been So Helpful — Thanks!
Thug teen: I wanna take out this fuckin’ book.
Librarian: Okay, well, go to the check-out desk.
Thug teen: I got to go to the other fuckin’ desk, mothafuckah?
Librarian: Yeah, motherfucker. The other fuckin’ desk.
–Brooklyn Library
via Overheard in New York, Feb 12, 2007
So -
yeah.
This weekend was long. Mostly because I am sick. Like throat swollen shut, can’t talk, killer cough, maybe death is coming for me sick. But I was teh mom and took Cammy to a birthdya party anyway, come to think of it, the kille rthroat thing didn’t happen until AFTER THE PARTY, I bet somebodys little rug rat got me all sick, and not the little rug rat I would have expected. But my child had a hoot riot time at this little heard of place called, Pump it up party, which does exactly that - they let your kids rip in a room with Giant inflatable slides and obstacle courses and boxing rings and with the proper level of sugar, all mannor of jackassery can be had.
All Hail The Royalness
Okay - anybody who didn’t think Prince was gonna rip the Superbowl a new one clearly has no idea who they were talking about. Prince is easily the most underrated Guitarist on the planet. and nothing was more satisfying that watching a four foot tall guy upstage men three times his size while wearing a purple guitar, a tuquoise suit and six inch heels. This was the best superbowl half time show EVER. That I can remember in my short thirty years.
I should mention that the second half of that game was pretty nifty and my team of choice won, I am very glad for Tony Dungy, and Payton Manning, and Mannings father who had to endure some gut punch questions this week. Like “do you think you cursed your son with your fifteen losing seasons in the NFL?” I’m like who asks a grown man that? And doesn’t get socked in the mouth for it? The look on Paytons face said it all for me when they gave him that trophy, “We won it, Shut up already”
My father is teaching my kid all the cool stuff grandpas teach kids like how to open pistachios and how to play slots and pinball. Yes monday morning my kid brings me a slot machine token from my dads house and pistachio shells which I beleive she either ate the pistachio from or brought from his house either way - she gave them to be with a sigh and told me that they came from Pa Pa’s. All she needs now is a beer golf clubs and a football jersey.
Just a note, having to work while pregnant also goes to prove how totally unfair God was being for the whole forbidden fruit thing. Dude - HE ATE IT TOO!!!
that is all.
It has been a week full of ups and not quite downs.
Dr’s apointments went well, all is well. We have another on next Thursday which includes our first ultrasound. We get to see the little being that is giving my tummy such a work out. I found my pregnancy journal from the last time I did this, and turns out I was a bit nauseous in the begining, just no actual reguratation in the begining.
So its refreshing to know this kid isn’t THAT much different from its sister, and I got just as great a chance to have ANOTHER AWESOME kid.
its totally funny how your memeory fades over time. Hopefully i will remember this one fondly as well.
Last week i got to sit around with friends and watch bad tv (including the world arm wrestling championchips and dirty Jobs) and visit web sites and blogs and CRACK the hell up. Need a good laugh - try this one on for size…
I am off to lunch…
On a few different occasions my aunt has told me that I remind her alot of my mother before life “happened”.
Actually before I begin this post, let me remind you that most of my family reads this blog. My dad, my mom, my sister, an aunt, my brother, my husband, lots of folks read this thing. I am aware. and I try very hard to keep that from being a censor of what I write, while being respectful of the information I talk about especially when it involves the people in the previous sentence.
what is the cost of respect? Does it have a monetary value?
In 2001, I ended a long term relationship. It was mean and ugly. I spent quite a bit of time fighting to hold that relationship together and then magically one day I was
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