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If my life had a soundtrack this would play everytime Jerry walked into a room…
That is all.. STill workin on websites and new blogs and client portals and all kinds of fun stuff new posts coming soon I swear!
I woke at 5 am slipped from under his arm and took the elevator to the main floor.
No one was awake but me and several of the locals working the early shift at the hotel. We’d been there a few days, I knew several by name, they stopped and smiled. Gave hearty greetings, asked if I was ready for the day. My smile was easy and my affirmative answer made a few guys laugh and note the nerves I wore and the fact that it was five in the morning. I brushed them off and headed to the beach to watch the sun make its accent into the sky, it was important to me to watch the day begin on what would actually be my wedding day.
So I did.
I sat in a hammock on the edge of a beach and watched the sun slide gracefully across the sky. I stayed there for a long time, and I prayed for a while, just talked to God for a while, let the waves kiss my toes and headed back.
In preparing myself mentally for being married, it was important to me that the wedding not be a large factor. For me - the goal was to be married to the right person. Marriage isn’t weddings and anniversaries, its not about the big things that mark your marriage, when you bought your house, when you had your childeren. Yes, those are all wonderful moments but for me its trips to the grocery store, and car pooling. Its picking up the kids - when you have them, and cutting grass, and making dinner.
Marriage is all the little things that happen between the big things. Its waking up everyday and saying I am in this with you. and I spent alot of time that morning ensuring I’d remember that before I went to put on my dress and sparkly shoes.
I ate breakfast alone at first then random members of my wedding party started popping up, I remember seeing my aunt and uncle. I remember passing my dad as he went towards the beach. I remember hiding around a corner avoiding Jerry. I remember heading up to my moms room to get ready, my mom fussing over the details. I remember my sister putting on her dress. I remember my dad coming to get me to walk me down.
I remember asking him if he objected I needed to know, if he thought Jerry wasn’t the right man I needed to know now. He told me he would have said so before the plane, Jerry was the one.
I know what song they played, I know it cause I picked it out, I know I chatted with my dad and my mom before we made it down to the ceremony site, but I don’t remember any thing I said, I don’t remember the sound of the song, I only remember seeing Jerry and my family on a cliff near the beach as I walked with my dad to marry my best friend.
And today I remember as much as I can. I can close my eyes and remember the sand, the taste of the air. His face, his smile. His voice when he said his vows, how easy it was to say I do.
Now three years later as we fight against the world to make the right choices for our childeren and each other, we push to live our dreams, I can stop easy and know that I would make the same choice again on that beach with ease and know that he has always been the man I am supposed to partner on this path I have been chosen to walk.
Jerry, you honor me everyday that you wake up and smile at me. When you pull me close I instantly feel safe, wanted and loved. I love how you care, that you care. You have grown into everything I never knew I always wanted, and everything I always said I wanted in a husband and father to my childeren.
Thank you for choosing to walk with me, for carrying me when I fall, for loving me through it all. I strive everyday to be for you everything you are to me.
Happy anniversary Cubby
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain
No Risk, No Reward
Seize the Day
Go for broke!
these are the things I hear in my head everyday - the voices that I have to quiet, the ones I have to ignore as I make my way to work in the morning.
I have been in a personal quandry for a little while. My husband thinks I am unhappy and he blames himself. My daughter touches my face and tries to make me smile. my family wants me to be bubbly and perky. I have been twisting with the direction my life has taken, the things I have done - decisions I’ve made. I have never been one to wallow in regret. I do however spend a vast amount of time
So the other day are leaving Red Robin after having burgers with the girls and I have asked hubby to stop at the near by mall as I want to check on a few items for the Bri.
“No, I’m the man, I’m runnin this we ain’t goin nowhere near a mall. Cause I said so and I wear the pants around here and thats all there is to that and I’m ready to go home.”
I blinked - twice - and said “Well alright daddy what ever you want.”
there is silence for a few beats in the car when he says
“So we are both full of shyt huh?”
“clearly.” I respond laughing.
I love him so much more than I thougth possible somedays.
And its not so bad…
Ahh my faithful internets.
I am back at work today. And I miss my kid pretty tough.
But she is with my grandmother during the day so all is well. It has been a pretty good weekend and ironically I am not too upset about having to be back here at the jobby job. It’s a necessary evil, and forces me to be back on my game.
I’ve upped my wake up time, to five thirty. I’ve been waking up that early for a few weeks now prepping for the inevitable return to work. So this morning my body would not totally rebel when I tried to prod it up in the darkness of morning.
I woke up and made breakfast for my family, got myself
Click to continue reading “The first Monday of the rest of my life….”
Alas, I have spent this day the way I long to spend the rest… making progress! gotta love that! I have found a lot of little details with the wedding, and have been able to move forward, and in wedding planning, shoot life in general, its all about moving forward.
SPIFFY!!!
I found the sandals I want to wear on the beach. Barefoot sandals. Jewelry for your feet. Silver and crystals all draped daintily across your ankles, a little expensive but once you get bit by this wedding bug, you’ll buy anything! figured out how to get the flowers shipped to the resort and get the bouquet I want. Figured out that in the end I just want to marry him, so what ever doesn’t happen as long as the I do’s do, then everything went perfect. Got an apointment with the dress maker who was like “I can make your dress I don’t care what size you wear,” So she rocks, even if I don’t have her make a dress, she made me feel better today and that’s good enough. I got the details on the photographer at the resort- a little costly but that’s okay.
I’ve decided however to just forgo the whole wedding dress fiasco and just get married, i may regret it late but I’m just not up for it anymore. So I will fins a cute outfit to marry the love of my life in and call it a day- Man NOW that’s making progress!!!
Truth of the matter is I have no idea what the purpose of this blog is or will be. My pen has been dry for so long I am itching to write with no subject matter at hand at all, I am dying to be near writers, poets, anyone with ink in their blood stream or staining hands, but my sun has set on my time as a poet, anyway that’s how it feels most days. I am so busy being a Mommy (daily diapers and pacifier hunts- but she is so worth it) and a fiance (planning a wedding out of the country - of which the groom simply says ‘I’ll let you talk to Raquita… when asked anything about it) and a daughter (buying her first home from her mommy realtor - self explanatory) and a sister (being supportive during her wedding planning and his life crisis) , and I’m sure I’ve forgotten at least three hats I try to wear instead of just trying to be me. But alas I am aware and this is my first step in trying to regain my footing, regain myself.
I guess I should start from the place I was most happy and introduce myself. I am Raquita, A poet / spokenword artist from St. Louis MO. I was commonly know as Queue. I performed regularly and wrote more than that. I love animals, dogs and ducks particularly, and art of all kinds. I can be rather opinionated and stubborn. I am a procrastinator of the worst kind, I lose things and forget more often than I care to admit, I have let down my friends more times that I care to remember. (My sincerest apologies to anyone I have not had the opportunity to address personally) I am not tall not short not note worthy except for my passion and heart, so most people miss me for what I am. I’m okay with that. Biggest flaw, I can’t spell - figures.
I spend my days knee deep in my child Camille. She is every dream I ever had of motherhood. We talk and laugh and this, our first nine months together has been everything. I am knee deep in wedding plans, and a bit frustrated with the entire industry of wedding bliss. Why? Wedding dress shopping.
I am not small, and have never been. I am of ethnic descents African mostly, Native American cause I combed that great grandmothers hair, so I got what I needed; the hips and ass necessary to be a black woman. And that automatically makes me too big for standard society. I went dress shopping but unless you are a size 8 you can’t buy a dress off rack in the wedding wonder world. Shoot if you are bigger than a twelve - you can almost forget about it. I almost forgot that I was primarily dress shopping because my mother and sister are so gung ho about this part of the wedding process, and started to get really upset about the lack of availability since your average american woman is a size twelve, (which is a size 16 in wedding gowns, who said wedding dresses are good for your ego?) My sister is a size 6, and ever the trooper, she came as my personal mannequin. But no matter what dress I liked they just didn’t come in my size. I’m thick so poof is out, anyway it was snowman looking- no good. All I wanted was a simple A-line silk thingy with minimal stuff on it, that will go all flowy in the breeze since I’m wedding on a beach- is that too much to ask? Clearly the answer to that question is YES, or at least maybe - today anyway. I’ll try asking again and come back to let you know how that goes….
