No Risk, No Reward

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. – Mark Twain

No Risk, No Reward
Seize the Day
Go for broke!

these are the things I hear in my head everyday – the voices that I have to quiet, the ones I have to ignore as I make my way to work in the morning.

I have been in a personal quandry for a little while. My husband thinks I am unhappy and he blames himself. My daughter touches my face and tries to make me smile. my family wants me to be bubbly and perky. I have been twisting with the direction my life has taken, the things I have done – decisions I’ve made. I have never been one to wallow in regret. I do however spend a vast amount of time when i am discontent trying to understand why, and what I can do to change it and what I need to change to avoid it in the future.

I am not unhappy more so tha tI am not satisfied, and that is noones fault but my own.

Move. Do. Be.

So on this my personal New Years day, I have come to a solid understanding about what I want. I know where I want to be, but it is decidely more difficult to get there than it is to know where it is. It is HARD to move when you are carrying the people you love. I understand why alot of people don’t marry and start families until they are sure and steady in their other paths. I understand better how the very things that should make it easier to risk actually make it harder as I would sacrafice my next breath if it meant my girls have every lesson and every opportunity tobe come their best selves.

I hear from people all the time – you must learn to be selfish – you must do for you – no one will do it for you! When mom is happy everybody is happy! and all of that is well and good – but in truth all the parenting magazines and womens articles telling people to be more selfish don’t do much to contradict the reality of life.

Motherhood requires selflessness, and balance is not something I, or most people tend to do well. Mothers especially do not tend to balance well. We go and move and do and be for our families til we fall out- bodies exausted emotionally and physically. WHy – because there is no risk in it.

What do I mean no risk in it? I read this somewhere it isn’t soemthing my nifty brain came up with-

lets say if is a casino and you walk in and there are two slot machines and the first one says -this machine pays, on average, $2.95 for every $3 you spend. Thats not a bad return odds are pretty good. so you look at the second one and its says – this machine pays, on average, $6000 for every $3000 you spend.

which machine do you play?

the first one? After a couple bucks you will begin getting some money back. Lights will flash, bells will zing, and you will get some near-instant gratification. The problem is, as you play the net outcome is less than break even. You lose.

Machine number two, on the other hand, requires patience. Someone who is willing to insert a significant number of one-dollar investments for a long term will earn a big payoff. There is no guarantee that when you’ve inserted $3000 you will win, of course. So there is a distinct element of risk. You may run out of dollars before you hit the jackpot. This is truly a case of ‘no pain, no gain.’ But if you have enough spare dollars to invest and you play the game over a long enough period, you will eventually double your money, the thing is
most of us are opting to play slot machine number one, rather than number two. We are looking for the sure thing and settling for predictable outcomes rather than aiming for big jackpots. And by playing it safe, we may be dealing ourselves out of the game.

Motherhood – teh way most of us are taught to play it – is like playing machine number one. and when you come out of that machine at 2.95 instead of hte three you put in – where do you tink that nickle comes from? surely not from what you pour into your kids, its what you held back for yourself.  my personal fear in this is that, in addition to the limitations I put on myself by living up to this idea, I am rasing daughters who will be afraid to leap. Scared to put themselves out there – because they watched mommy play it safe and do what was expected. Scared to fail – to hear no, too scared to find a different way to get to the finish line, to scared to scale the brick wall society will fling up. That they will live a machine number one life- instead of taking the risk playing machine number two and kicking down the walls. Walls are not to keep you out, they are to keep the others out – its just there to allow you to show how bad you want it.
the question then becomes – how bad do I want it?

Minimal risk, resulting in minimal rewards: call it the Play Safe option.

That line is the life most of us lead. Too afriad to fail. Too afraid to do anything that requires that you risk anything to get anywhere. So set on protecting this little square of almost security that you miss the opportunity to really get what you want out of life and not settle.
I am lucky.
I have been blessed with a lot of talents. Alot of things I like to do, and It has taken me this long to decide how to turn something that I love and am good at into a career.This long to beleive I am good enough to do it, to beleive that other people will think so too. SO Now I know what I want to do, and its time to launch. I’ve spent too much time in a job that paid too well to just walk away from, that paid me just enough to keep my family from drowing but never putting us firmly on dry land, and sacarficing my dreams and my abilities to my resposibilities. Instead of knowing that in reaching for my dreams I can walk on water.   

Not be driven by fear…

Today on this day of my birth I am filled with reflection and resolve.

No Risk, No Reward — to be continued