so much for daily posting

Several people have told me I hold it all together well.

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It takes all of my self control not to burst into giggly hysterics when people say that to me. If I really know the person and like them alot – I do laugh cause I don’t pull punches with the people I know and love. I started this blog entry and I was going to say how it is hard, and how if you could see on my inside you’d see a swirling vortex of matter I’m still trying to figure out how to form into something solid and flexable and real and mine.

But the truth is, yesterday I got a call. Last minute session at Barnes – could I make it? Yes. I went home made chicken pot pie and mise en place’d the carrot cake my daughter wanted to make and asked her daddy to help her mix it up for me. I wanted to stay with my kid and bake a cake, I really did.  Instead, last night I did my first session with NILMDTS, and I will carry that little boy with me forever. So much of that was pointless, not the images – but the loss. I went home and I touched my kids, made cream cheese icing with Cammy and iced the Carrot cake she made with her daddy, ate a late dinner.

The rest seems so simple. The swiriling vortex seems like a spring breeze. The wind is not mine to tame. It is not ours to tame. I remember that now. Everything is coming together. It will all come, its its right time. My next post will be about my little-est joys birthday – shes is one now – more on that tomorrow, and the day after that I hope I have time to introduce you all to the beauty you see above. My Couisn, who is more like my brother had his first child last week – that is her. You will see more of her, alot more of her in the coming weeks, alive and beautiful, welcome to the world JC.