The battle between mommy and woman

I wasn’t ready to parent a daughter when I had Cammy.

Honestly.

What do/did I know about being a girl? I totally skipped “girlly” classes in life. I, clearly, cut class and hung out in the tomboy section under the bleachers. I spent My formative school years the safe “girl” tomboy friend to all the guys, and then tried to find a awkward studio apartment in womanville right around the time I went to college. I admit I had my moments of girly, but mostly I was dragged kicking and screaming into many of those moments – sorry mom.

So this moment where God gives me a second girl – has to be on repeat on the Heavenly comedy channel.

I didn’t become comfortable with being and working with my “womandry” until I got into poetry, and found a distinctive voice of my own to give voice with. That being said, poetry also gave me the chance to voice a lot of political views and opinions that I may have not been quite so easy to just allow heard. Including my disdain for disrespectful hip-hop and TV (i.e the flavor of love etc..) that is being marketed to young girls, which I have had the opportunity to voice my opinion on in this blog on occasion.

But imagine my quandary when as a woman I really really like a group I am probably supposed to despise as a mom of a daughter. I know I walk a fine line when my daughter who is three can sing the chorus to Rhihanna’s “Umbrella” perfectly and usually does, and there is no content in that song that I would want to shield her from so I’m okay with that, mostly. So i have this CD of tracks – that was given to me by a friend cause she knows me pretty good, and was like “i know you like em…”

and shes right.

i like the Pussycat Dolls.

well more specifically I like Nichole whats her name, you know, the lead singer, the only chick who actually sings in the band. Why you ask – cause when I’m feelin flirty and saucy i feel like a PCD track. Granted I’m bloated and un-pregnant and all manner of not feelin sexy but when I am feelin it, on a good day, I’m feel bout as cute as they think they are. And while right now my delima is pretty easy, I simply only listen to PCD when I’m getting ready to go out sans child, and that happens about as often as I don’t know my getting pregnant so the question is really what HAS to change when you become a parent?

I would never give my kid a Brats doll, although Cammy has one my mom bought her and gave her before I had a chance to voice my objection, but I’m not afraid to buy a PCD CD.

I have never been into casual drugs or heavy drinking, I got control issues and I don’t like being outside of control, so I don’t tempt fate. I also got family history of unsavory responses to the substances of illegal fun times. Although I got a serious hankerin for some Tequila since I been knocked up I will admit that.

Over at Dana’s spot a while back- they were having a rather – interesting- conversation about recreational drug use and parenting. And while I think alot of those comments have valid points and views, I personally don’t see the risk as worth it, that family history of addiction I have, drugs, drink and gambling apparently from the stories I’ve heard and I’d personally just rather not push the envelope. I like to drink but I do so sparingly. I like to bet so I keep my poker habit electronic or to home tourneys so I don’t lose more than twenty bucks or so, and I avoid the rec drugs all together cause well, dude, thats just smart on my part.

But where does the line go?  Am I to stop jammin out ot the pussycat dolls?

I realize that I cannot party like I want to most of the time, but shouldn’t I be able to cut lose after bed time?

I find that finding the balance between being mommy and being a woman and being a wife and any number of other things, a daughter, a sister, etc. is the hardest part of being an adult.

how to be the best woman I can and make that fit with who I want to be and who I want my girls to become.

I’m rambling now so I’m gonna stop.