So a very, very dear work friend (I’ve only got a few) was chatting me up and we had the most interesting conversation. Her daughter’s teacher wants to test her and see if she qualified for the gifted program in school. They want to do an IQ test and so forth, put her in accelerated programs and the like, and my friend is hesitating. She said she thinks her child is a bit lazy and her grades are already slipping in school.
My thought was that her kid is probably bored in the classes which is why the teacher probably brought it up. She said she didn’t really think so – just didn’t want to push her. Shes stubborn etc. She just won’t do anything if the class is tougher.
I’m like isn’t that our jobs as parents to lay out expectations, and push them to do their best. I as a kid responded to daily pushes, but if you got lazy then so did I. I had to have somebody behind me with expectations who expected the best from me everyday. Classes where my teachers had that kind of daily accountability where the classes that I did well in. Teachers who would call me on my bull and say – “Raquita, I know this wasn’t your best and I am disappointed that you would bring me less than that.”
My parents, bless them, were busy making ends meet and didn’t have the energy to sit on me. But if you have the time and the energy, and shouldn’t you most of the time, isn’t it our jobs as parents to expect our kids very best effort? And shouldn’t we put them in situations that require that from them?
She said her mom did that kind of thing to her and it made her mad (pissed, I believe was her actual word choice) and my response was:
“I expect Cammy’s best, every day. It’s the rent you pay to live in my house. My kids owe me their best everyday. I give them my best everyday. I go to a job I don’t love and do the things I have to do to give them my very best, so they have the chance to give me their best. That is their job. Pissed or not, unfair or not, that is the expectation. Period. Its non negotiable. If you feel the need to not put your best foot forward I want to know why but its never going to be acceptable.”
She was like “I just don’t feel that way”. And that’s the part I don’t get.
How can you not feel that way? How can you not expect the best your child has to offer? I’m not talking dictatorship, we’re not talking fifty lashes for a B. If you can look me in the eye and tell me a B was the best your absolute best effort, I’ll accept that and be proud of you. If a C was your absolute best effort then I’ll accept that and get you help for the next level of that subject. But you will bust your ass to do your best. Am I crazy here?
I’m writing a few other posts , but this happened and I just had to ask you guys if I’m crazy?
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First, you’re not crazy.
Second, having your child tested for a gifted program is not ‘pushing.’
Third, having expectations for your kids’ behavior (including school work) is part of the parenting gig.
Whether or not she has her child tested is not really the issue…..the issue is that she doesn’t seem to want to put forth her best effort to make sure that her daughter is doing her best work. No one said it is easy, she just must not want the conflict that is sure to arise if she challenges her daughter. I feel sad for both of them.
I agree wholeheartedly with the previous commenter (abunslife).
speaking as that child who was tested, pushed, “encouraged” and disappointed people time after time, I think a little goes a long way. No matter what I brought home or did it wasn’t quite good enough because I had so much more potential. Maybe her daughter is gifted, but if that’s not her thing it doesn’t matter what the test numbers or scores or special programs say, she’s not going to do it. I didn’t. Sometimes I wonder if I hadn’t been so “encouraged” if I’d have managed to find my thing and do really well with what ever it was.
but that’s just me.
so the question becomes can you encourage and push with out making the kid feel like they are a disapointment.. I get that- i’ve felt that way before, and I certianly don’t want Cam or Bri to feel like that.
no one in my family could encourage without the disappointment, it’s a fine line I guess. With Abbie we encourage her to try stuff and she makes it painfully obvious if it’s something she wants to do or not and the things she’s good at we can’t stop her from doing. I know she’s only 3 but I’m hoping that we’ll be able to keep a balance. She doesn’t have to do everything well, but at least try it a couple times.
I second Melissa. While my mother always *claimed* she just wanted me to “do my best,” “my best” was not good enough unless it was an A-plus. She would not accept the fact that I wasn’t as good at math or science as I was English and history. I’m not sure HOW to do it correctly. At the same time, I was almost the only one of my group going to a respected, 4-year college and not community college, and one of my friends felt that it was because my mom pushed me. Maybe. But she also made me feel (and continues to, only now with parenting) like I wasn’t/am not quite good enough.
PS – Obviously there is nothing wrong with community college, and it doesn’t mean someone is less smart or whatever. My friend was merely using that as an example of a difference between us, which she attributed not to my “great smarts” but to my mother’s involvement in my education (vs. her mother’s)
Just wanted to make that clear.
I have two siblings that were not challanged in school. They were bored to tears, their yearly test scores proved they were way beyond their years.
* I on the other hand, had to struggle to keep the good grades.
My brother and sister wish someone would have ‘encouraged’ them.
I think there is a fine line between encouragment and projecting your own intentions on your children. You don’t want to set them up to fail, but then again you don’t want them to fail because you never gave them the chance.
I would encourage the test, even if the girl qualifes they don’t have to enroll. But the mom would then know that perhaps she needs to ‘challange’ her child or pay-attention if the child starts to slip. The test could lead to good things if handled right.
It is sometimes hard to differentiate between encouragement and pushing. My daughter tested for the gifted program last year when she was in the third grade. I don’t feel like I pushed her to do it; I merely asked her if she would be interested. She was excited about it, and she told me afterwards that she felt she did well. Eight weeks later we received a letter that she was not accepted into the program. I had to get over my own tears before I showed her the letter. I didn’t want her to think I was disappointed in her – I certainly wasn’t. I just think I felt badly for putting her through that testing for no reason. She was also disappointed, but she handled it way better than I did. She’s fine with the way things turned out and doesn’t feel like she’s missing anything. Maybe I should take a lesson from her!