I mentioned the other day that my ex and I have been talking. He’s taken to calling me on the phone more often lately than he has in the almost ten years since we split up. At the time that we split I had been with him for all of my adult life, and most of my not quite adult life as well.I come back to the subject of the ex because of this blogher entry. Because it poses such an interesting question. When do you stop loving someone?
In my life I have loved four men.
Travis, Love #1. I was thirteen or so. He was the sweetest boy. Had the softest kiss. He was shaped like a bowling pin, but man I loved him. Pastors son. I think I loved his parents as much as I loved him – if not more. My father and I had what I can remember as our first real spat about Travis. I was clearly not to date before I was sixteen, and my father had caught wind of this whole “Travis situation” as it was referred to, from my mother. Travis and I didn’t so much break up as he just kinda hung my little heart out to try- his family moved to Kentucky, the week I went to Florida with my aunt. I came back he stopped returning my calls never acknowledged my letters.
I was devastated.
I didn’t just stop loving him, looking back I can see where the saying thin line between love and hate came from. Because I was very very angry with him for a long time. When I saw him again a few years later at a church function I simply slapped his face when he approached me like nothing ever happened, and walked away. I didn’t exactly feel better, okay just a little bit. Really though I was hurt all over again that he didn’t think he should be sorry for his actions. But as for the love, I no longer feel strongly about him one way or the other. It was cute and warm and fun while it lasted and for what it was. A first love. I still hold that puppy love close, and I keep that heart break in a box in my heart, if for no other reason so that I can try and remember when my daughter comes to me heartbroken I will have some idea of what to say.
Now love #2, that one was a doozy. Aaron. People I bump into from high school are always surprised that he and I didn’t marry and have a million kids. I, ironically am not. He and I were simply not good for each other. It ended badly. Sloppily. With little regard to one anothers feelings. I ended up buying my freedom. Four hundred bucks, a laptop, all the transformers, and my comic book collection. It was a bargain deal for me really. He and I were off and on and off and on for quite a long time, even through love #3 (at love #3′s request mind you – it’s a long story) but I remember when I didn’t “love” him anymore. His aunt saw us headed to his house and asked if we were getting back together. I have such respect for her, I couldn’t make my self lie to her – never could really. And I responded “We’re never going to get back together.”
They were both shocked, and she said, “But you to love each other so much.”
And I responded, “I don’t love him like that anymore. This isn’t forever like it was.” I think I said something about I was working him out of my system. Speaking of him as if he wasn’t there. She said she understood, she looked like she approved, we went inside to have another argument. To this day, I don’t know where that response came from, cause I promise you it wasn’t planned. But as soon as I said it I knew it was true.
Jerry has asked me about that relationship on occasion, and I wish I could explain really where it is for me. I have fond memories of my time in that space of my life, and I never would have been ready for him if I hadn’t gone through it, but I don’t hold love for him anymore. I’m trying to allow my self a certain level of like most days, cause most days – I didn’t like him, especially at the end. And that’s when I knew there was no chance for that relationship. And what I would want my daughter to know, how you have to like the person you love. It will not last with out it.
Love #3. ‘Tefia. I liked him. I liked him a lot. I loved him, I did. He was sweet. He gave me back everything I lost in breaking away from love #2, not the money mind you. He worshiped me. Made me feel like light and air and dreams and God, all at the same time. if I was a wounded bird when he found me – he fixed my wings and taught me to fly. I have very few negative things to say about ‘Tefia. He was habitually late, and refused to give courtesy calls to say so. That was probably the biggest, most annoying thing. He was grateful though. He would give me anything. Helped me find my first solo apartment, introduced me to the city. He was honored to have me with him, all the time. He was almost too good. He came at the wrong time for a forever love, I was still wounded. He wanted to be my friend as well as my lover. Wanted to heal things he couldn’t heal. Couldn’t wait for me, to do it in my own way, in my own time. He says that he walked away because he was falling too hard and I would have had the ability to crush him. His friends say that I did crush him. I have never been more sorry that I relationship didn’t end better than I was about this one. The thing is I don’t think it could have ended better. What ever woman gets him to love her the way that he loved me – will be a very, very lucky woman. When did I know I didn’t love him the way he needed? When he asked me to marry him. He was sitting in his car out side of my apartment, and I knew I couldn’t say yes. Just knew it, so took that love out of its cage and let it fly.
Love #4
Jerry. I hope this one never ends, and I will fight everyday to the death to make sure it doesn’t.
When did you guys stop loving someone?
Show Hide 2 comments
That was a really, really interesting article, and an interesting post. I think I can say I’ve really only loved one man, my Ex, but remember, we met when we were both 18, so neither one of us had much of a chance prior. Of course, I had the typical teen girl obsessive crushes.
And when he left, I didn’t miss him. I didn’t miss him at all because I was so ANGRY. I mean, the ANGER, the anger at him, his family, my situation, it overtook every other emotion I might have otherwise felt. It almost ate me alive. I did miss, however, my “vision” of how it “was supposed to be.” But I’m not privy to His plan, so I guess THIS is how it’s really supposed to be, huh? Let’s just say that while the anger has disappated (sp?), the trust issues have not. God help the next guy, if there ever is one.
I think I’ve had four loves too. Interesting. I’ll have to blog about it someday.