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you said it Selma**

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 Posted in mommydom, parenting, randomness

I really feel for those mothers who have the babies really young. It’s a lot of work and I think it’s the best time….It’s a little nerve-racking to wait that long, but it’s the best time to have it because you’ve done so many other things in your life. You just get it out of you system, and you can really relax into being a mother, which is the best thing that can happen to you.

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But if you’re 23, you don’t know this because you think you have to do so many more things. But if you already did them, then you can really focus and enjoy every minute of it. – Selma Hayek

Selma is one of the sexy-ist, smartist women – in my opinion – in hollywood. She is one of the few women who I think could walk into my marriage and leave with my husband – for at least a few weeks, before he realised she can’t ______ like me and comes on home. Shes ticked a lot of people off with this statement, and I happen to agree with her whole heartedly.
Truth is I know both sides of this argument. My mom had me when she was week fresh 17. I had my first daughter when I was 27 – which by all arguments could still be concidered young but looking at the cycle my mother insisted my sister and i avoid, we were practically OLD. In fact when bpregnant with my second child my mother implied that I was OLD which was why it was more difficult the second time around.
Seriously.
Being 27 when I gave birth I felt like I had done the club scene and wasn’t “missing out” per say when my friends decided to go out, and I’m grown enough to know I can still go occasionally if I wanna. So I get what shes sayin, and I can see where young moms would get offended. I know none of my friends are going though whatI am going through mostly becuase out side of a few most of my friends have eight, nine and ten year olds. THey will be far done and kickin it again when I am contemplating whether Cam can be dropped off at the mall alone. SO there are some perks to early parenthood including hearing “you can’t possibly be old enough to have a 31 year old daughter!!” which my mom gets all the time. But my angle on it is- is having kids young something you would encourage your son or daughter to do? for me – no – I will, as my mother has done, encourage my kids to wait as long as they can to have kids and live as much as they want before hand – cause kids change the way you live, they just do.
What do you guys think? Selma out of line?

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**updated for the visuals the hubby asked for.. satisfied?!?!?

by raquita

14 comments

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April 15, 2008 - 2:42 pm

elle - I see positives in both directions (way to be a fence-sitter I know). I had my son when I was almost 24 and get giddy thinking about all the things I’m going to “get to do” when I am barely 40 and he is grown!!

But I think waiting can be good for economic reasons and for stability. And, on the personal level that you mentioned–so that you don’t feel like you’re “missing out.”

elle’s last blog post..A Familiar Refrain

April 15, 2008 - 3:23 pm

abunslife - Sometimes I wonder if starting at 28 was still too early….would I have more patience if I had waited longer or would I just be more tired?

abunslife’s last blog post..The Shower Wars

April 15, 2008 - 4:44 pm

Benticore - Dude, I came to your blog for the Selma Pics…and was thoroughly disappointed. As they say on these here interwebs, “Pics or it didn’t happen!”

I’m glad I didn’t have kids earlier. I can barely handle the crouch-fruit (my New favorite term!) we got, given my barely-there maturity. At 21 or, heaven forfend, 16? I’d have lost it.

My father had me when he was 31.

Anyways, edit your post for Selma pics, please!

Love you! Smooches!

Benticore
Out

April 15, 2008 - 5:21 pm

Dee - I don’t know. I had my first at 20 (married at 18), and by then already felt like I was done with the clubbin’ and whatnot. That was never really my scene. On the other side, my mom had me going on 29 and is a lot more patient. Is it age, or just temperament? No idea.

Dee’s last blog post..There’s something about ZB…

April 16, 2008 - 7:22 am

jaelithe - I don’t think, from reading those words, that she meant to insult anybody. I certainly understand her reasoning and to an extent, I agree; however, I think the “right” time to have kids is hard to define and different for everybody, and people should work harder to recognize that.

As someone who did have a kid at 23, when my son was a newborn, I found that a lot of people- doctors, older moms, childless friends my age, etc– treated me almost like a teenaged mother, and I found that infuriating. People constantly brought up how young I was, sometimes implying that meant I couldn’t possibly know what I was doing as a mom. (Ironically, of course, almost all of these people were probably born to THEIR mothers while their mothers were in their twenties or younger, since that was the norm just one generation ago.)

I had a college degree and a job at 23. I had been working since 16 and living away from my family since 17. Maybe my life history made me feel older than most 23-year-olds do these days. But it really bothered me to be treated as some sort of unfortunate oddity.

And I think that’s why young mothers have responded so negatively to Selma’s comments. It’s not that she really said anything offensive– it’s that moms in their 20s are just fed up with being treated like irresponsible airheads by a society that only just decided in the past decade that 30 is the new standard age for motherhood.

jaelithe’s last blog post..St. Louis Bloggers’ Guild

April 16, 2008 - 10:37 am

mommymae - i would consider myself young when i had my first (2 since they were twins) and wouldn’t have it any other way. i was 25 when they were born, 29 when my son was born, and will be 31 in august when my last is born.

my mom was 28 when she had my sister, 30 when she had me, and 33 when my brother was born. i don’t think she was old, but i wanted to be younger than her when i was done and since we wanted 4, we started earlier than almost all of my friends. my husband’s friends have just started having kids, so our youngest will be the same age as their oldest. and that’s his only friend with kids. none of the others do.

i’m not offended by selma’s comments, since what works for her doesn’t necessarily work for me or anyone else. i was never into clubbing and never really when out in college unless my band was playing out.

AND…like elle said, my husband and i will be living it up when we’re 50 and our frinds will have 10 year olds. i like that outcome.

mommymae’s last blog post..these are a few of my favorite rings…

April 16, 2008 - 12:33 pm

mp - First off I’m so excited to meet you sunday!
Secondly, I am of that age where my High School friends are both sending kids off to college AND having newborns. The ones sending the kids off to college seem to be trying to relive the youth they “lost” while parenting..bars etc.. Me, I’ve been there done that… we spend our weekends with my step son doing Scouts, movies, soccer etc.. it’s about being a family and I don’t feel I’ve missed ANYTHING.. SO yes..I agree w/ you and Selma.

mp’s last blog post..Radom Wednesday Thoughts

April 16, 2008 - 10:59 pm

Gregg - I realized recently that I’m at the age (42) my parents were when I was in college. They seemed OLD and all together. I feel younger than they appeared, but I don’t feel like I have it all together!

Anyway, my oldest is 12, and I feel like we had her at the right time for us. Waiting another 6 years for the second didn’t really give me more patience, though. Naturally, the younger still REQUIRES more patience. It’s hardly fair, is it?

Gregg’s last blog post..All Done!

April 16, 2008 - 11:07 pm

marta - I had my son at 34–the right time for me. The rest of the world shouldn’t get to decide when a woman has a child. All choices have ups and downs. Sometimes we make choices we regret and sometimes we rejoice. Either way, I’m not insulted by Hayek’s comment as it has nothing to do with me, my son, and my life.

Honestly, some people are never ready for children no matter their age.

It was fun to come across your blog. Interesting topic.

April 17, 2008 - 2:14 pm

Rebecca - I’m constantly asked when I’m going to have kids (as though it’s a given that I will), with the insinuation that since I’m 27 and have been with Jeff for 7 years, that we should have already done so. When I give the lame response, “oh, that won’t happen until my thirties” (because no one really wants to hear my long, drawn-out response about the complexities of this decision), I’m always told, “the sooner, the better. it’s easier when you’re younger.” It’s so similar, in my mind, to the judgments placed on moms who either choose to stay home or keep working. . . there’s too much judgment all around and we need to just realize it’s all a shade of gray.

Rebecca’s last blog post..Back to Previously Scheduled Blogging

April 18, 2008 - 2:34 pm

Farrell - I’d totally play for the other team for selma. she is HOT.
And I would totally TOTALLY be OK if Sophie, later on, is only into girls. Because then at least she can’t get pregnant. And OMIG THAT IS MY BIGGEST FEAR EVER. Isn’t it for every parent of a daughter?
I DO think I am a lot more patient NOW than I was in my 20s. I’m still not very patient, and if that’s what you think of me, that’s fine, just know that it used to be a lot WORSE (scary I know). Anyway, like everyone said:
I think if you accidentally or purposely get pregnant at an early age, then you should probably just make the best of it and you’ll probably grow up a lot faster than some childless 25-year old that is still doing the bar scene. And if you decide to wait, great. To each his own. No judging.

Farrell’s last blog post..I Felt It

April 18, 2008 - 2:34 pm

Farrell - PS – When is Cammy’s bday? Becuase we are both 31 and we both had our child at 27…Sophie’s is Oct. 26, 2004.

Farrell’s last blog post..I Felt It

April 18, 2008 - 2:36 pm

raquita - Cammys bday is June 18th born at 10:12 pm ..

April 24, 2008 - 2:34 pm

I’m Mikey - I had to speak up on this one. AMEN! I had my baby girl at age 31, and I tell ya, I’m glad. I ran WILD in my 20′s. Really wild. But once I had her, things totally changed. I feel like I would have resented having a child too young and not being able to go places freely. Now I feel settled and like there’s nothing left I need to do without her. She’s my life. Although… you do get tired.
I watch other younger moms who are out partying and taking that time away from their kids. Kids are only young once, you only get those moments ONCE. I don’t understand the need, but I’m watching one in particular who’s run off with a trucker and left her 13 yr old and 7 yr old daughter behind. Just left them to go truckin. WTF??
Selma’s right. Every word. And you’re right. Children change the way you live. I’m glad I got the nonsense out of my system before I had her.

I’m Mikey’s last blog post..Obviously, I lack common sense

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